Endlessly Daydreaming

When I became aware of this side of myself, it felt like the possibilities were endless.

I’ve wanted to, and have been wearing “girl clothes” for as long as I can remember. At one point shoes were just shoes… until I saw a high heel and something just… clicked. I saw women wearing dresses and I thought they were pretty and again, something awoke inside me when I realized that I also wanted to wear the pretty dress.

Suddenly clothes became interesting. It was like… eating nothing but saltine crackers for years and then discovering that there was SO MANY other things to eat that taste amazing.

I raided the closets that belonged to my mom and my sisters and continued to be enthralled with options beyond SHIRT and PANTS and SHOES. Girls wore skirts and dresses and bodysuits and camis and cardigans… the list ran on and on.

When I had my first apartment and could actually purchase my own clothes, I started to buy mostly lingerie. Of course I would quickly purge but the cycle would continue. Just as I was drawn to the vast variety of clothing options that girls had, I had always been mesmerized by the unlimited array of lingerie.

Panties could be sexy or cute or comfortable. There were panties for date night or just for everyday. They could be as simple as pink cotton or as elaborate as you could dream. I could wear a bra, or a bustier, a basque, or a corset, and these choices all had their own options. I could wear stockings or thigh highs or pantyhose or tights.

When I started to create a proper wardrobe about ten years ago, this feeling of unlimited potential and possibilities returned. I could have a dress perfect for a black-tie cocktail party or a dress for running errands on a summer day. I could wear a cute top and a pencil skirt and look like I worked in an office. I bought dresses perfect for Sunday brunch or for Saturday night at the club.

So. Many. Options.

Until the options start to… well, run out. After years of feeling there were unlimited choices I realized I had that maybe, just maybe I had enough little black dresses and the like. My wardrobe wasn’t lacking for anything, whether it as a vinyl French Maid dress, a glittery floor-length gown, or a dominatrix outfit.

I mean, I STILL don’t have a princess dress but you know what I mean.

Whenever I have plans to go out en femme or when I schedule a photo shoot I dream about what I will wear. This takes a little more time to decide than it used to, however. I’ll plan outfits for a shoot and think of a dress and then realize that I’ve already wore it, or something like it, at a previous shoot.

On the other hand, it is a blessing to have an outfit for almost any occasion that I can think of. It’s like finding the perfect words to say in any situation. And yes, I realize that this is all very shallow and this isn’t a problem in the slightest.

But this is a glimpse into my mind (and closet, I suppose).

Because of the “been there, done that, worn that” mentality, it has become more… hm, thrilling and rare than ever to fall in love with a new look, a new style, a new outfit. It’s like finding a book your favorite author wrote that you didn’t know existed.

For the most recent MN T-Girls event I needed to buy an appropriate (but still cute) outfit for the planned yoga class. I’ve worn heels and dresses and skirts for very MN T-Girl event since the group started, but you can’t do yoga in stilettos and a bodycon dress.

Well, I bet I COULD, now that I think about it.

But whether we are doing yoga or anything else, our events are an opportunity (or an excuse, I suppose) to add a new outfit to my closet. I went shopping and soon there was a sports bra and pink leggings in my dresser.

I wear leggings when I work from home in boy mode, but these leggings would be for Hannah, not him, so it still counts as a new piece of clothing, lol.

On the day of the class, I didn’t know how I would feel being en femme but not wearing a dress or heels. I associate so much of my femininity with how I am dressed but now I would be en femme but not in a skirt or stilettos.

Before the classes started, I changed out of my blouse, cardigan, bra, corset, tights, skirt, and heels and put on my sports bra, forms, tank top, and pink leggings.

I was… so happy that I still felt femme and that I looked sort of cute.

On a side note I just want to give thanks to whoever invented the gaff. A MUST for doing yoga (or anything) in leggings (or really, anything else).

And on another side note, my goodness do sports bras do the job.

Oh, one more side note. While wearing my sports bra and moving, stretching, and the like I realized just how… real my breast forms feel. Thank you Breast Form Store.

After yoga I was tempted to stay in my leggings (because I felt cuter than I expected I would) but for… reasons I changed back into the outfit I was wearing before the class.

I was a little giddy as I drove home. Yoga didn’t relax me but that had everything to do with ME and not a reflection of our yoga instructor (who was fabulous) but my feeling had more to do with being relieved that even though I hadn’t worn a little black dress and heels I still could feel cute in such a casual look. I was also feeling happy about adding a new style to my wardrobe. I have outfits for work, the club, dining, errands, and now for exercise.

It prompted me to daydream once again what other possibilities were out there.

(Of course, I will always be a stiletto and a “no-pants” girl but I still had fun.)

Love, Hannah