…and younger than I’ll be”
-Simon and Garfunkel
It’s never too late to be who you are or to wear what you dream of.
There is often a little (or sometimes a LOT) of regret and feeling that you missed out on opportunities to present how you feel, especially after you have accepted and embraced who you are.
In my male life I am not the type of person who “lives in the now”. I am more of a if you want roses in the summer, plant flowers in the spring type.
I am not a gardener so I have no idea if roses should be planted in the spring.
My point is that I am a planner in my male world. I think about what I need to do NOW for something that needs to be done in the future. I also overthink about what I SHOULD have done earlier to impact the results of something I am dealing with TODAY.
But Hannah’s life is the complete opposite in a lot of ways. Wardrobe options are vastly different, obviously, but she tends to live in the present and not look back, or worry about the future, as much as HE does.
Although on occasion I think about how I wish I embraced this side of me earlier I don’t regret it as much as I thought I would. I came to become who I am exactly when I was meant to.
Where I am today started about ten years ago. I’ve been crossdressing throughout my entire life but up until then I tended to wear mostly lingerie and underdress. My world exploded when I started to seriously learn makeup and find a wig and buy actual, real clothes.
Although I (usually) don’t look back with regret or sadness, I am proud of how far I’ve come. I reflect and I am amazed at how much I’ve done. Things I never thought I would do. In my twenties I didn’t think I would ever, EVER have the courage to go to a mall en femme but now I do it all the time.
Just as I don’t look back very often, I also don’t think about the future very much, especially compared to how much HE does. From time to time I do wonder what Hannah’s life will be like in twenty years, though. I get older each day and I do see the small, subtle signs of this.
I know there will be a day when I put away my stilettos for good.
But, God willing, that won’t be for a long, long time.
I am in my mid-forties and I think (and hope) I have a lot of life left. I pray that there are decades of adventure and beauty ahead.
I marvel at what I’ve done over the last ten years. I am beyond excited to think about what the next ten years will offer.
6 thoughts on “I am Older Than I Once Was…”
Oh Hannah! Yes we do age. As a life member of Tri-Ess (The
Society for the Second Self), I have had many varied experiences as a non-binary person who loves to express my often hidden femme side. Now that my partner of sixty years has passed to the great beyond I am becoming better acquainted with our children and finding more moments when alone to experience my femme side. At age 84, only God knows how many moments will be granted to me. But I wake up each morning and will seize the day in this great country where we have freedom for self expression. Hannah keep sharing your thoughts and living your life in both boy and girl mode. I enjoy reading your reflections almost every day. Pippin
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Interesting topic. As I look backat my life, I have recognized a nice trend. My 20’s were good. my 30’s better, my 40’s even better, my 50’s spectacular. Now that I am entering my 60’s, I am giddy with excitement about the future.
Each decade has come with more and more comfort of who I am. And each decade has come with the opportunity to reap the rewards of what I planted the decade before.
I wish I knew how to convey this to the younger transgender people to give them hope and optimism of what’s yet to come because it is amazing.
Have a great weekend and enjoy the splendid weather.
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I’m older 68, happy and have walked many miles in heels. Just yesterday had my 2 1/2” Birkenstock sandals straps extended at my shoe repair that show off my fresh pedicure with fuchsia nail color. Was able to get my steps in as I scoured the mall. Visit with saleswomen that know me smile and talk about what is going on our lives. My stylist colored retouch my golden blonde mid back hair, Brazilian blowout treatment and shaped the brows. Took new passport photos and compare to pass photos that were on photographers computer. Had lunch chatted with others as we catch up on what going on in each of our lives. A quick stop at the grocery store and dropped by the riteaid that sales girl let.me know the magnetic eyelashes are on sale at a great discount. Went home smell the beautiful flowers that I got for mother’s day. All the people in my day only know “her”. In summation to say I’m happy and my feet feel great just lowered the heels.
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In my late 50’s I love the time I spend en femme the older I get the more brazen I become walking through the mall heels clicking there is no more a adrenaline rush than that. K
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As a Master Gardener, I assure you that roses are best planted in the spring.