When we are en femme, I believe we become a different person.
This person is not necessarily a NEW person, though. She is different than who, well, we normally are. When Hannah is in the world she is a different person from the person that I normally present as. She is a different person than most people in the world know when it comes to ME.
For some of us, this person is their true self. They are no longer hiding, no longer wearing a mask or a disguise. Still, this person is different than the one most of the world knows.
When we realize that she is a different person, it’s at this point when she creates her own world. I mean, Hannah has her own wardrobe and email address, why is it so odd to accept that what she has and who she is extends to life, to the world?
Hannah interacts with the world in a different way than HE does. She impacts someone in a different way than he does. When he goes to a cafe and orders a coffee it likely is a very forgettable moment for the barista.
When Hannah struts into the same cafe, well, she’ll likely cause a few ripples. Not because she is OMG SO BEAUTIFUL but, well, it’s not every day a t-girl in vampy makeup and stilettos orders a latte.
We, whether we want to or not, create an impression on the people around us. Some people may hate us or be indifferent towards us. But what if we INSPIRE people? What if we help a closeted trans person feel less alone? Visibility is important, girls.
We, like a stiletto heel in wet cement, are making our mark in the world.
And yes! That sounds a little… well, extreme but that doesn’t make it less true.
We are creating her life. Her world.
Hannah has her own friends and life and well, job, I suppose. There’s little overlap between her life and HIS life. Very few people in the world have met both of US, if you follow.
It’s true the absence of some of the people HE knows in Hannah’s life can sting a little. HE has friends that Hannah would love to hit the mall with but for one reason or another that it’s not likely going to happen.
It was a complex thing when Hannah started to venture out into the real world. On one hand it was… AMAZING. Magical. On the other… well, it was lonely.
As much fun as it was, and is, to wander around the mall, having a coffee, shopping for a new outfit, I couldn’t help but think about how much more fun it would be to do these things with certain people from my boy life. I keep both of my lives pretty separate from each other but it would be nice if there was a TINY bit of overlap with some people.
But it’s not likely going to happen. And that acceptance took a long time for me. At times I was hurt or took it personally if I thought that someone in HIS life wouldn’t be comfortable going out with Hannah.
I have more or less accepted that I can’t have it both ways. And I’ve also, for the most part, stopped taking it personally.
But it can still be a lonely life, or at least, a lonely afternoon out en femme.
So! What can be done?
You create a new life. For her.
I’m not talking about transitioning or anything like that. What I mean is if friends in HIS life can’t (or won’t) be friends with Hannah, well, Hannah can have her own friends.
Her own world.
Her own friends.
Her own life.
This desire, and later I realized how essential it was for Hannah to have friends, led to starting the MN T-Girls. She has a lot of friends to shop with, to meet for coffee, to experience life and the world.
9 thoughts on “Her Own World”
We, like a stiletto heel in wet cement, are making our mark in the world
YOU Miss Hannah – have a unique way with words – that stick in people’s mind.
I share ALL your thoughts – 100% – everything you write about each day.
I agree with deborahsierra Hannah you have a way with words and insight Amanda
I sort of chafe at the idea that I have two identities. I like to tell myself that I am the same person when I am dressed, and to borrow a friend’s comment, “just with nicer clothes”.
But in reality there is a stark boundary separating the male life I was born into, and to some extent constructed, from the portion of my life I live presenting as a woman. There are places and people who only encounter me on one side of that boundary or the other. A relatively small number are aware of both sides.
Granted, there are many times when I imagine how much simpler life would be if I could erase that boundary. I have made the choice to keep it in place. In some sense this allows me the freedom to match how I present myself to the circumstances and the people I am with. That may sound inauthentic, and I guess it is. I guess I am ok with that.
I’m so pleased you have been able to fill your world with joy Hannah. Your words have given me food for thought, thank you. N x