Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)
-Walt Whitman
Cisgender people have it so easy when it comes to terminology.
“I have a penis, I was assigned male at birth, I identify as male, using he/him/his pronouns feels right, and I don’t have any sort of dysphoria when I wear clothing bought from the men’s department. I am male.”
But for most of us? Our anatomy or the gender we were assigned at birth means nothing to us. We feel how we feel regardless of what is between our legs or what box was checked on our birth certificate.
Although who we are doesn’t make life very easy, I would argue that we are happier and more fulfilled than anyone else once we accept and embrace ourselves and our gender identity. Self-discovery is a wonderful and fulfilling thing.
I mean, don’t you feel a little sorry for men who have decided to wear boring and ugly underwear? Like, there are so many other cute options, guys.
Cisgender people are CISGENDER and that is that.
We are, well, we are a zillion other things. We may identify as transgender, as a crossdresser, as non-binary… The list goes on. A lot of these terms have their own nuances and many of these terms are open to interpretation. Indeed, not all of us define “crossdresser” in the same way.
To further complicate things, we can also identify in multiple ways and they can shift over time, whether that time perioid is a few years or even throughout the day. I certainly do. I like categorizing things, and that includes myself (but that may have to do with being autistic, lol) . What I mean is that at different times of the day I might identify as a crossdresser and/or identifying as transgender.
I mean, it makes sense to me, but also is confusing to others. So, let me try to break that down.
I think it all comes down to how I am referring to myself at any given point of the day. I think we can all relate to a bit of a mental shift when we transition from male mode to girl mode (at least for those who live their lives presenting as one more than one gender identity).
If I am HIM, then I am using he/him/pronouns and answering to my legal name. I am doing things as HIM, whether it is HIS job or interacting with the people in HIS life. I am presenting as male.
When I am doing this, I am wearing “girl clothes” in some capacity. When I am working remotely, I am wearing leggings. When I am having my morning coffee I am still wearing the nightie I fell asleep in. When I am at the office and wearing professional clothes, I am wearing panties underneath.
In these instances, since I am presenting as masculine but wearing girl clothes (whether visible or not), I consider myself crossdressing as I am wearing clothes that were designed to be worn by someone who has a different gender identity than I do (at least at the moment).
In my opinion, crossdressing is when someone is simply wearing “girl clothes” without them impacting how they interact with the world. Their identity is male (at least at the moment) and their prefered clothing options are meant to be private.
When I transition to femme mode, my whole appearance changes. Makeup, wigs, foundation garments, shoes, all of that fun stuff. I use she/her pronouns and I am Hannah Frikkin’ McKnight. My identity is femme, there’s not a single shred of me that feels male. I am not wearing “girl clothes”. I am a girl wearing clothes. I am wearing clothes that were designed to be worn by people who identify the same way I do.
I mean, I am always transgender, regardless of what I am wearing or not. I don’t have to wear ANY clothes to be transgender. To me, transgender is simply the opposite of cisgender. Cisgender people feel comfortable as the gender they were assigned at birth and they feel comfortable presenting the way that the world expects them to.
I don’t, therefore I am not cisgender and the opposite of cisgender is transgender, so at my core, I am transgender. Additonally I do not think transgender means that you have to, or had to, transition, either legally or medically.
Please know that ALL of this is my perspective and opinion. I do not consider myself to be the authority on anything other than myself. You may feel differently and that’s cool.
Anyway, I hope that clarifies things a little. I suppose there’s some contradictions in how I feel, but I like to think of this in a similar vein as time-travel in a movie. Yes, it’s usually presented as fairly straight-forward buuuuuut if you think tooooo much about the implications and the inconsistencies of it then time-travel makes no sense and it kinda falls apart.
I am aware that what I write about and who I am has contradictions. But I hope I don’t come off as being hypocritical. Yes, I write about the frustrations of transgender people being sexualized, but then I post lingerie pics. I suppose I am not really doing much to defuse that narrative when I take sexy photos, am I? I get emails from girls who tell me that I don’t take gender identity very seriously when a post is a little silly or cheeky, but then I also get emails that tell me that I need to lighten up when I write about politics or what have you.
Next month is my ten year anniversary of this website and over time I have written (let me check…) over a trillion posts (not really) and I think if you had any sort of agenda you could find a post of mine that supports that or refutes that.
What I mean is that if you think that all transgender women are fetishists, you could use a photo (or three) of mine that “proves” that. If you think all transgender women are uptight bitches who are frustrated when the current political climate, well, there’s a post of mine for that.
And so on.
If anything, I hope that what I write about is seen as part of a tapestry. No one post, no one photo captures who I am. But that’s the same as anyone. If your coworker is having a bad day, it doesn’t mean they are ALWAYS bitchy. If you are in a silly mood because it’s Friday it doesn’t mean you can’t take anything seriously.
Depending on what I post on any given day, whether here or on Twitter, I am called a slut, a bitch, a fool, and arrogant. I am called clueless, naive, stupid, and an elitist. I am called ugly, shallow, insecure, and mean. There are posts on this website that would back up all of these opinions and others that would contradict them. I am, to a degree, all of these things.
But honestly? I don’t *really* mind or at least I don’t let the negative things bother me as much as they used to. And since these comments range from kind to cruel I get the impression that there is not one prevailing opinion of me. Unsolicited opinions can be expected when you do anything, whether going out of the house presenting as femme or wearing a t-shirt with your favorite band on it. I like living my life authentically and that includes writing a blog. This website is who I am, and it represents the multitudes of my soul, even if I seemingly contradict myself. I mean, both of these photos are me, are drastically different, and yet they are different sides of the same coin.
I don’t know what my “legacy” will be after I am gone. Bitchy? Slutty? Funny? I don’t know.
But I hope that people might say that I was kinda cute, kinda smart, and that I had SO much fun.
Love, Hannah
Hannah McKnight 