I had a feeling, almost a premonition, that something interesting was going to happen when I went out yesterday. I started by picking out my outfit, a white dress with a floral pattern and matched it with a pair of nude pumps as seen in the photo to the left. But at the last second I replaced it with a hot pink dress and matching stilettos as shown in the photo below.
My makeup looked good. My mascara made my eyelashes so long that they cast a shadow on my face. My lipstick matched my outfit. Whatever was going to happen, I was going to face it by looking fabulous. I was going to meet up with a friend for dinner and I had some time to kill so I went to the mall. I popped into a few stores and then as I rounded a corner, I saw her.
I saw my mom.
I came out to my mom a few years ago, when I still identified as a crossdresser. I still identify as a crossdresser but I feel transgender is more appropriate. It was a surprise to her and although my mom is a wonderful person and supportive of the GLBTQ community, she wasn’t prepared for this revelation and it didn’t go as well as I had hoped. But I think I could have explained myself better. I think had I explained what it meant for me to identify as trans as opposed to me wearing dresses and heels it might have gone differently. I think when I started to identify as transgender instead of a crossdresser I went from “this is what I like to do” to “this is who I am”.
I was excited for her to meet Hannah. I wanted very much to go shopping with my mom, to meet for coffee. To be a daughter, even if only for an afternoon. But it wasn’t meant to be. She was glad I was honest with her but wasn’t ready to meet Hannah.
Over the next few months, we had a few more conversations but I didn’t feel they were going anywhere. I soon gave up on the hope of her meeting Hannah. It would still hurt from time to time, however. I knew my mom loved and accepted me, but I couldn’t help feeling sad that there was this part of my life, another half of my life, that she didn’t want to know.
I could have pressed, but I respected her feelings.
Lately it has been on my mind, though. I wondered if enough time had passed for me to broach the subject again. When I considered this, most of the time I decided to drop it. When I didn’t decide to drop it, I wondered how to do it, and ended up dropping it anyway. But yesterday my mom faced me in the most literal way possible: by running into me at the mall. Because of course I was at the mall.
As we walked towards each other, I didn’t have that sense of panic. It was more like…what should I do here? I remembered my mom saying she didn’t want to meet me, but it felt wrong to just pass by her and not say anything. But I also felt like this was my chance. It was meant to be.
After the initial shock, we got to chatting. Small talk, how the week went, what was coming up later on in the month, my sisters, weekend plans. I am sure running into Hannah was the last thing she expected to happen on her Saturday trip to JCPenney’s but my mom bounced back well and was comfortable, chatty, friendly and just…normal. It didn’t feel weird or tense.
We ended up walking around the store and talking for about 20 minutes until she was off on her next errand. In the parking lot I told her that I knew she didn’t want to meet me and that I was sorry it happened. I am not sorry for who I am, but I respected her decision to not meet me. I told her that this afternoon was something I had dreamed of for a very long time. I let her know if she ever wanted to go shopping or have a coffee that I would love to meet up with her.
I was surprised at how emotional I was when I told her this.
We said our goodbyes, she told me she loved me (as she always does when I see her) and she hugged me. Do you know how long I’ve wanted her to hug Hannah?
I walked back to the mall and immediately texted my wife. After I told her what happened, we exchanged this:
My evening went as planned and later my wife called my mom just to check in with her now that she met me. My mom was supportive and talkative, had some questions for my wife and was very encouraging. I suppose ten years ago I never thought I would have had a day like yesterday…having a wife who is supportive, having the confidence to go out, having the courage to tell my mom and for my wife and my mom to chat about my gender identity on the phone.
I never really thought what occurred yesterday would ever happen and who knows if she’ll ever see me again. Yesterday life became a whole new world for myself and for my mom. It was full of new. I mean, how often does your mom meet you for the first time?