A Hopeful Heart

As time passes I learn more about myself and how to, well, LIVE.  I’m not perfect and I never will be and sometimes mistakes can be helpful… IF you learn from them.  Whatever doesn’t kill you, after all.

I used to be more impulsive and spontaneous.  Those traits rarely lead to a positive or productive result.  Sometimes responding to someone without taking a moment to consider my words or their feelings damaged or even ended a relationship.  As a t-girl I am also subject of the Pink Fog hitting me and yes, I might end up with several new outfits buuuuuut there goes my car payment.  

One thing that I have learned is when to NOT make a decision.  If I can avoid it, I don’t make any decisions when I am tired, hungry, angry, or even giddy.  Most decisions can’t be reversed.  Again, t-girls are in a unique position when we sometimes have to be on guard (so to speak) when it comes to who we are.  There have been times when I am having a conversation with a friend or colleague and I think it would be a perfect opportunity to come out to them.  BUT!  While it might be a great time to do so, do I want to let that genie out of the bottle?  You can’t unring a bell.  And although it might be an appropriate time to do so, ultimately I probably DON’T want to come out to them.  Coming out (for me, anyway) is exhausting and forever changes a dynamic between two people.  I am not going to transition or start living full-time so in a sense, I don’t need to come out to anyone.  No one needs to know.  Yes, it would be nice (for various reasons) if some of my friends knew Hannah but at this time in my life I don’t have the energy or need to rock the boat.  

I like to make plans, I like to set goals and work towards them.  I do these things in my boy life, and I do these things in Hannah’s as well.  It could be something I want the MN T-Girls to do, it could be a fun photo shoot, it could be any number of things.  Sometimes these plans are motivated by ego, if I am being honest.  Last year’s lingerie photo shoot is an example of that.  Of course, the world is a very unstable place at the moment.  It’s difficult to make plans because of COVID.  I am scheduled to travel in a few weeks for work but that is up in the air.  I have a doctor’s appointment in a few days and really, who knows if it will still be in-person or on Zoom?  Making plans, even if the plans are a few days out, must be done with the caveat of them being canceled or modified.  If you can’t be (reasonably) confident your plans in the next week will go as intended, it’s impossible to count on anything two months from now.

Even though life feels bleak these days, I am still stubbornly optimistic.  Part of me wants to go ahead and plan something AMAZING for a few months from now because surely things will be better by then.  But really things haven’t gotten better in a while.  So I need to take my stiletto off the gas pedal for a little longer.  I mentioned before that I don’t make decisions when I am tired or whatever.  The same thing is true in a global pandemic.  If I can help it, I don’t want to make any significant decisions or plans until brighter days are ahead.

I got to thinking about this a couple of weeks ago when the calendar flipped from 2021 to 2022.  A new year sounds exciting and hopeful and I believe in going into SOMETHING (whether a dressing room with a new dress that MIGHT not fit or a new year) with a hopeful heart.  I woke up in a hotel room on the first day of the year.  I was in the middle of a work trip that wasn’t going very well.  Our new COVID variant was spreading across the planet.  Long story short, it wasn’t easy to be positive.  I was cranky and cynical.  It was easy to understand why.  Justifiable, even.  Since the first day of the year was a milestone, I thought I should blog about the previous year and what I was thinking about for the new one.  In the end I chose not.  I was feeling very negative and similar to not making a decision when I am angry or tired, I didn’t want to write about something that I was feeling bitchy about.  

And I know it’s important to be true to yourself and I try to be sincere when I write.  Let’s face it, being bitchy is often part of life.  Not everything is pink lingerie.  Sometimes life is a snapped heel and torn stockings and smudged eyeliner.    

When I try really hard and really… dissect how I am feeling, the two biggest things I feel are exhaustion and hopefulness.  I have to be hopeful, I have to live my life thinking things will work out and that things will get better.  If I didn’t feel that way I would never get out of bed.  Being hopeful is who I am at my core.  Being excited for others is a big part of what makes me happy.  I am touched when others are happy for me.  I get annoyed and hurt when people try to bring me down.  

When I post on my website, it’s either because I am, well, showing off (whether it’s a new photo set or recognition of some sort) or because I think my perspective is helpful to others like me.  Being negative or cynical is normal, but I don’t need to post writings like that.  So, long story short, that’s why I chose not to write on the first day of the year.  BUT! as the day went on, I couldn’t help but look ahead at the next twelve months.  Part of me HAD to because of work.  One reason I was on my little work trip was to plan stuff for 2022.  I wanted to make my own plans but like avoiding the influence of the Pink Fog, I decided to hold off on making specific plans for the year.  At least for now.  

As I mentioned, I get excited by the positive things that others have going for them.  I know a lot of you have exciting things planned for the year.  Some of you are starting estrogen, some of you are going to fly pretty, some of you have resolved to come out to your family, some of you will finally buy that dress you’ve been eyeing since forever.  I think these things, no matter what they are, are so important.  Sure, for some crossdressers buying a pair of panties isn’t that big of a deal, but the first time it is.  It’s the bravest thing I have ever done.  

Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle.  Ever.  Especially those who are cynical and bitchy about the new year.  If you have something wonderful planned for the new year, please comment on this post.  I would love to be excited for you.

Love, Hannah

4 thoughts on “A Hopeful Heart

  1. Hannah , I think you might be pleasantly surprised to know how many of us admire the way you are able to distill and express (albeit more eloquently and succinctly) thoughts and feelings many of us have known in our journeys. Simply knowing that others have shared similar doubts , joys and fears make me feel less “ALONE” if I am not comfortable sharing all of me with many other people . Good on you ! And “Continue the march!” as we said in the military. Always , P.D. Miller

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  2. Next month I have the hearing to make my name change official. It has all been a long time coming but I agree with you so much; it is important to celebrate the good things in our lives!

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  3. Hannah,. I will take up your challenge and share my planning for the new year.
    I am aware enough to believe the pandemic will be with us in some form for a decade. My plans may seem contradictory but I plan to take great precautions not to contract Covid while not giving up every joy life has to offer.
    The first apparent contradiction. This Will centre around online shopping, minimal in person shopping and socialising outside; coffee in the park, bushwalking and the like. In inclement weather, toughen up princess!
    The second is that the pandemic has already curtailed opportunities for me to dress. This is not sustainable, so contradiction two is to engineer new opportunities into my life. Whether this is my morning cycling dressed pretty or part dressing for coffee in the park is to be considered. I am however adamant that it will not include presenting pretty in an intensive care unit.
    I find it exciting to try and plan around such constraints, so I go in to the year on a high.
    And yes, I hope the excitement continues throughout your year too Hannah

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  4. I’m hoping to start working as Alicia full time this year… teaching a few classes for my side gig en femme is the first step, with the hopes of going full time in Fall.

    I also hope to, between now and then, start HRT.

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