I know you love both of your identities, as male and female and highly value both lives. You do seem very happy and alive when discussing your outings as a woman. Do you ever sit and consider what your life would have been like, if you were born female? You appear to thoroughly enjoy female clothes and how you feel wearing them. I love wearing female clothes also, and at times I wish I had been born female.
You know, for someone who overthinks and considers every potential outcome and scenario, this is not something I have ever really thought about.
It kind of brings up the whole nature versus nurture scenario, doesn’t it?
When the doctor checked the little box for “MALE” on my birth certificate it shaped how everyone I would ever meet in my life would talk to me, interact with me, react to me, and see me. A lifetime of norms and expectations were set in stone without any consideration as to who I might be and what I might want.
It’s… not unlike an arranged marriage in a way. Like it didn’t matter if you loved or even liked this person, it was agreed that you were going to marry them in a few years and that was that.
Growing up I wanted to wear dresses and beautiful and interesting clothes. Underwear didn’t have to be ugly, baggy, ill-fitting boxers. Underwear could be cute, colorful, lacy. I was drawn to “girl clothes” and no matter my genitalia I wanted what I wanted. This is nature.
But then nurturing came crashing through. My parents bought me boy clothes. I was given blue things and steered away from anything pink. I had toy trucks. You get the idea.
And to be fair I loved the toys I had. My sisters had dolls but… well, they seemed kind of boring to me.
A closet full of pants couldn’t extinguish the fire that burned in my heart for dresses. But I wasn’t allowed to listen to it. It’s not like I was explicitly told that I couldn’t wear dresses but let’s face it, in a world (especially back then) when gender norms rule I didn’t HAVE to be told.
But of course I wore dresses and skirts and anything I could whenever I could.
My interest, my fascination, my yearning to wear femme clothes was only fueled by these opportunities. It’s like a piece of cake. It looks amazing and the first bite is heaven and it only makes you want a second taste. To continue this metaphor I devoured the entire cake and at this point, probably several bakeries.
As the years went by this part of me grew and I began to understand and accept and eventually embrace who I am and what I wanted to wear.
I got to know the part of me that would eventually become Hannah.
BUT I also grew as the masculine presenting person that most of the world knows me as. He made friends, found a career he (usually) likes, and became who I am today.
And this person, the male side of me is, well, happy. Satisfied. At peace. He has a fulfilling life. I like HIS life.
As I matured both of my gender identities grew and found themselves and found happiness. They are not in conflict with each. They have their contrasts but it’s a wonderful mixture of the two. I am forever charmed by the differences and polarizing opposites they seem to have. This past Saturday I bought a ladder and cleaned the gutters which is a very manly thing to do. This upcoming Saturday I am getting a makeover and wearing a lot of pretty clothes for a photo shoot.
As I look at my life and my lives, I realize that nature, well, it won. How I was raised, how the world thought I should be didn’t stamp out the femme part of who I am.
If the “FEMALE” box was checked then my nurturing would have been very different. My dresser would have been filled with the clothes he wanted to wear. There would have been no effort to prevent me from wearing any dress I would have wanted to.
I really don’t think I would be bi-gender if I was raised as a girl.
Now, please don’t misunderstand. I don’t feel that I was born in the wrong body.
What I mean is that I was always drawn to the femme side of the world. It was, and is, endlessly captivating to me.
But I never had the… pull when it comes to the other side. There wasn’t ever anything masculine that appealed to me. I never was curious about what it would be like to wear a tuxedo but I daydreamed constantly about wedding dresses. I wanted painted nails, not nails with dirt under them from playing football.
Being raised as a boy put me on the path I am on now. Over the decades I’ve grown as a person, created a life, and fell in love. I love my life, I love who I am.
And I don’t want anything to change.
If I was a girl at birth, I can’t help but think I would still be ME. That’s the nature side. But I would have been raised differently and have gone in a different direction. That’s nurture. I think I would still like the same things I like, I can’t imagine not falling in love with my wife, regardless of my gender.
At this point in my life I am both of me, I am all of me. Things would have been different if I was born with a vagina instead of a penis, but honestly? I have no complaints. I am very glad things turned out the way they did.
Everything works out in the end.
Have a question for me? Oh yes you do. Ask me here!