Knowing what you know now, from a hypothetical view, is there anything you’d do differently or do as before?
Let’s… ah, reflect on this.
It’s easy and natural to look back on your life and think about what you did, what you should have done, and what you wish you did. It’s not necessarily healthy or recommended, but it is what it is.
Since I tend to look at everything from two sets of eyes, I also think about situations from Hannah’s perspective, or at least with this side of me as a factor.
Of course there are things I wish I had done differently. There have been dresses and heels that I kick myself for not buying or outfits I regret purging, but there’s nothing I can do about that now. 🙂
On a more serious note, there have been conversations I’ve had with friends where I thought to myself at the time that this would be a perfect and appropriate moment to share this side of me with them. But the opportunity passed.
We often don’t have the perspective until later where we wish we had done something differently or taken advantage of a situation. Sometimes we wish we had done something or didn’t do something, but given more time we realize that perhaps we did indeed make the right call after all.
I can’t really think of anything specific that I wish I did that I don’t think I will have the chance to do so in the future. Conversations with friends where the time was perfect to talk about who I am may have passed, but there can come around again, either naturally or by sitting down to have that discussion.
I don’t want to regret anything. No one does. I don’t want to be at the end of my life and wish I had done this or that. Not to be… dark or anything, but this moment feels like a chance to examine our lives and think about what we want. Right now we are confined to our homes, we can’t go out (and we shouldn’t) and I spend many moments throughout the day thinking about where I will go, what I will do, and what I will wear when these days are over. In a way, it’s like a second chance.
Perhaps I took time for granted before shelter in place became a thing. I always thought there would be time to do what I wanted or go where I pleased. But we don’t have that freedom today. It’s easy to think about what we wish we did before now.
When this passes, I am going to do these things. I am going to wear that dress, I am going to schedule that photo shoot. I am going to have that talk (eh, probably not).
I do have the perspective and appreciation that my life is amazing beyond my wildest dreams. Not only when it comes to this side of me, but I have a wonderful wife, a job I enjoy, a home, friends, and my health. Everything worked out.
So, I really can’t think of anything too specific that I would have done differently…
Well, scratch that. Perhaps there is one thing.
I wish I had come out to my mom differently. I wish I had waited until I identified as transgender as opposed to identifying as a crossdresser. Coming out with a gender identity, as opposed to revealing that I have a very different wardrobe than what most men have are two different things in my opinion. I came out to her in regards to what I do, what I wear. These days I would come out as to who I am.
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