Month: April 2020

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

Knowing what you know now, from a hypothetical view, is there anything you’d do differently or do as before?

Hmm.  Wow.

Let’s… ah, reflect on this.

0222It’s easy and natural to look back on your life and think about what you did, what you should have done, and what you wish you did.  It’s not necessarily healthy or recommended, but it is what it is.

Since I tend to look at everything from two sets of eyes, I also think about situations from Hannah’s perspective, or at least with this side of me as a factor.

Of course there are things I wish I had done differently.  There have been dresses and heels that I kick myself for not buying or outfits I regret purging, but there’s nothing I can do about that now.  🙂

On a more serious note, there have been conversations I’ve had with friends where I thought to myself at the time that this would be a perfect and appropriate moment to share this side of me with them.  But the opportunity passed.

We often don’t have the perspective until later where we wish we had done something differently or taken advantage of a situation.  Sometimes we wish we had done something or didn’t do something, but given more time we realize that perhaps we did indeed make the right call after all.

I can’t really think of anything specific that I wish I did that I don’t think I will have the chance to do so in the future.  Conversations with friends where the time was perfect to talk about who I am may have passed, but there can come around again, either naturally or by sitting down to have that discussion.

I don’t want to regret anything.  No one does.  I don’t want to be at the end of my life and wish I had done this or that.  Not to be… dark or anything, but this moment feels like a chance to examine our lives and think about what we want.  Right now we are confined to our homes, we can’t go out (and we shouldn’t) and I spend many moments throughout the day thinking about where I will go, what I will do, and what I will wear when these days are over.  In a way, it’s like a second chance.

Perhaps I took time for granted before shelter in place became a thing.  I always thought there would be time to do what I wanted or go where I pleased.  But we don’t have that freedom today.  It’s easy to think about what we wish we did before now.

When this passes, I am going to do these things.  I am going to wear that dress, I am going to schedule that photo shoot.  I am going to have that talk (eh, probably not).

I do have the perspective and appreciation that my life is amazing beyond my wildest dreams.  Not only when it comes to this side of me, but I have a wonderful wife, a job I enjoy, a home, friends, and my health.  Everything worked out.

So, I really can’t think of anything too specific that I would have done differently…

Well, scratch that.  Perhaps there is one thing.

I wish I had come out to my mom differently.  I wish I had waited until I identified as transgender as opposed to identifying as a crossdresser.  Coming out with a gender identity, as opposed to revealing that I have a very different wardrobe than what most men have are two different things in my opinion.  I came out to her in regards to what I do, what I wear.  These days I would come out as to who I am.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I read your “what a girl wants” article on the En Femme website and it was awesome. After reading it, I have ordered 2 matching panty/gaff and bra sets, nude patent pumps and black slingback pumps, some sexy lingerie (babydoll and cami set) per your advice. I already had some cute black ankle boots and some black knee length dress boots. I don’t have a LBD yet ( but am looking into it). What are some other essential items?

A wardrobe starts off with thinking about what we need for what we do. It sounds like you have a lot of the basics covered!  At least what I think are basics.  🙂

I present as male for most parts of my life.  Work, family gatherings, day to day errands…  Hannah does the fun stuff.  Saturdays at the mall, wandering around an art museum, relaxing at home, dinner out with the MN T-Girls…

Hannah doesn’t have to go to work, sit in on meetings or attend Zoom conference calls.  Since she doesn’t have a real job (if you follow me), she doesn’t need to have professional work attire.  Sure, there are things in my closet I could wear to work…

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…but I don’t need a lot of clothes for “the office”.

If you are full-time and/or present at work, then some clothes will be considered essential.  Depending on where you work, of course.

Since Hannah pretty much does only fun stuff, my wardrobe is built around that.  There are dresses perfect for Saturday night, Sunday brunch, happy hour or meeting for a coffee.

When you build your wardrobe, think about you’ll be doing and where you’ll be going.  Find an outfit that would work for that.  If you are unsure about what to add to your closet, look at what other girls are wearing.

And you can choose to completely ignore what you see.  When I go to the mall I see mostly girls in leggings and comfortable clothes.  Not many of us are wearing heels.

Dress from En Femme

Many of us dress at home, so I would recommend having cute clothes to be comfy in.  If I am being lazy on a Sunday morning and want to look cute, I skip the stilettos and pencil skirt and wear a femme t-shirt and leggings.  A corset and stockings is OMG one of the sexiest things to wear to bed, but most nights I slip on a nightgown.

I hope this helps but I bet a lot of girls reading this have their own suggestions and I would love to hear what everyone else thinks is a must-have for their wardrobe.

Love, Hannah

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

-As a part time t-girl, have you ever considered taking hormones to get closer to your feminine self?

– I recently started HRT with the hope of my body turning more like it “should” have always been. I understand this is some kind of a hopeless effort to try and “pass” as a woman too (since I’m more genderfluid than in the wrong body). I was wondering – if not indiscreet – whether you went through HRT yourself or not, and if that boosted your confidence level, or if you just decided to just use breast forms and wigs and not change your body.

I have no personal experience when it comes to HRT (hormone replacement therapy).  I have never felt like permanently modifying my body was something I needed to do, or wanted to do.  

I see my body as a blank slate, a new piece of paper, and that I can wear whatever I want to.  Obviously my body has characteristics that are typically associated with being physically male, but except for the occasional bouts with dysphoria, I don’t think my body holds me back from presenting as whatever gender I feel like presenting as.

I do wear breast forms, thighs pads, and hip pads as they help with providing a curvier figure.  Since most dresses and skirts are designed for someone with a more shapely body, these forms make my clothes fit and look better.

I don’t feel I was born in the wrong body.  I don’t feel that being assigned male at birth holds me back in any way from wearing what I want or identifying however I wish.  Having the box for “male” checked on a form is a way for others to label me, and it’s not something that I allow to limit who I am.

I like both of my genders.  I like being able to go back and forth.  I don’t want to do anything to my body that is typically associated with either one of my genders, be it growing a beard or developing breasts.  I feel limitless in terms of my gender presentation.  I don’t like being limited in terms of what I can wear.  Let’s face, society already does that for us.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I would like to ask you a question about wigs, specifically correct sizing.  I have owned several cheap wigs in the past and recently purchased a couple of good quality wigs. In purchasing them I think I have them sized correctly, they feel good and stay in place, my issue is if I wear a wig for any length of time, a couple of hours or more, they leave a mark on my forehead. Is this common? Have I once again listened to the website’s instructions and purchased a wig too small?

I look at size charts on websites as merely are as a suggestion.  I can take my measurements and order a dress size that lines up with the chart and still get a dress that is not the right size.  It can be frustrating, especially when you order something that can’t be returned, like lingerie, heels, or a wig.  If you are ordering from a website that has reviews from people who have purchased the same item, read them and see if others comment on whether or not the item runs large or small.

You can wear something that fits perfectly but still leaves impressions on your skin.  I had a bra fitting and I only purchase bras that are my correct size, but they still leave a mark.  Same with stockings or tights or clip-on earrings.

When it comes to wigs, and almost everything we wear, it comes down to whether or not it stays in place.  If your wig is too small, it will slowly creep up and not be secure on your head.  If it is too big, it will move around.  It sounds like your hair fits well, feels good, and stays in place.  The impressions on your skin might just be something that comes with the territory.  Sacrifice over comfort, if you will.

If you want to avoid impressions on your forehead, I would recommend buying a size larger than what you may need, and using other methods to secure it.  You may want to consider wearing a wig cap which would prevent your wig from moving around. They are available in both a mesh and a nylon style. Other girls use special wig tape, bobby pins, or hair clips to keep their hair in place.  Many wigs also are adjustable and you can modify the size of it to fit your head.

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

 

Ask Hannah!

by Hannah

I love your pictures and you seem so happy and feminine and having fun. I like that you said you no longer care about passing, and you just try to look your best all the time. My problem is I am tall and have big feet. I wonder if you would tell me your sizes and how you get around the biggest challenges of looking fashionable.

I am also tall.  Almost all of us have physical traits that we would like to change if we could.  Some traits are things we could change, some traits are out of our control.  There’s not much I can do about my man hands, for example.

This is probably a good time to remind us all that no one is too tall, too old, too… anything to be a girl.  There is no maximum height limit to be pretty.

There are parts of me that can be changed, other parts that can’t.  A few years ago I was tired of watching the scale go up.  I felt sluggish and unattractive in both of my genders.  Thanks to quitting drinking and hitting the gym harder, I was able to drop from a size 20 to a 12.  That was in my control.  My height?  I can’t do anything about that.

Again, no one is too tall to be pretty.  No one is too tall to be a girl.  But when I first started going out, I wanted to… well, maybe not blend in, but not stand out as much.  We are all nervous about being noticed, whether it is by someone we know in our male lives, or just drawing attention as a t-girl and potentially being harassed… or worse.  As a t-girl I am going to stand out anyway, and my height isn’t going to help.

If there is something about us that we can’t change, or don’t want to, the only thing we can do is own it.  Yes, I am tall, so instead of letting that stop me I embrace it.  I am six feet tall, most cis-women are not this tall.  Tall women stand out.  And we should, we’re fabulous.  🙂  But if I am going to stand out, I am REALLY gong to stand out.  Instead of trying to minimize this feature, I go in the opposite direction.  If I am going to be tall, then I am going to be REALLY tall.  I am going to wear the four inch heels.  I am going to turn heads because of my weight and my gender, so why not dress how I want?  Rock those heels, wear that bright top, wear that dress with the bold, floral print.

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Too tall for the mall?  No.

It’s all about attitude.  I embrace my height, it makes me feel powerful.  Instead of letting this part of me hold me back from going out, I use it.  A tall confident woman?  What’s sexier than that?

Love, Hannah

Have a question for me?  Oh yes you do.  Ask me here!

 

Into the Woods…

by Hannah

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I am always impressed with what others can do with the magic of photo editing.  My friend is exceptional and I am blown away by this piece of the two of us looking magnificent and gorgeous.

We all read fairy tales growing up, and when I got older I learned more about folklore and I was intrigued (and a little disturbed) at the mischievous and often malicious nature of fairies.  This photo captures that same beauty and danger.

Love, Hannah

Hannah Asks…

by Hannah

“…but why?”

It’s the question they keep coming to when we come out to someone.  It’s also the question that we struggle with the most.  No matter how we respond, it seems woefully inadequate.  I could go on and on for an hour or for a lifetime and still never really provide a satisfactory or clear answer.  The temptation to reply with “it just feels right”, is always there, but again, it comes off as too short, too simple to describe an enormous, important part of who we are.

When we are en femme, we dress to reflect who we are.  Well, more specifically, who we are when are her.  It is impossible to represent who I am with just one outfit or look.  But isn’t that the fun part?  Despite the contrast in these outfits below, this is me.

And I am everything in-between.

I dress for the occasion, whether it is running errands or going to a play.  I love that we can be bombshells or wear leggings to blend in with the other girls at the mall.  I understand and relate to wanting to look sexy, to look beautiful, to dress in latex and turn every head at a club.  I get that.  I want that, too.

Well, maybe not a club, but a coffee shop will do.

The magic of “girl’s clothes” has been there from the start.  Whether it is a five inch stiletto or a simple ballet flat, the enormous variety of shoe options is there.  A little black dress, a jean skirt, yoga pants and a cardigan, our dressers and wardrobes are filled with choices and we have an outfit for every occasion and for every single mood.

We dress to reflect how we feel.  If I am feeling *amazing* then out comes a leather dress and black patent heels.  If I am feeling ugly and I need to snap out of it, I dress in the prettiest dress I have.  Magic is real and it’s hanging in our closets.

I have been who I am long enough to know that for the most part this side of us is not able to be explained.  It’s just who we are.  We were born this way.  I can’t explain who I am, or why I am to anyone.  I can try, and they might get it, but I never feel I can effectively express the simplicity or how deeply this side of me is ingrained in who I am.

When accessibility to the internet became a thing, the first thing I did was look for information about crossdressing.  Whether it was just knowing that there were indeed others like me or looking for size charts converting shoe sizes, I wanted to know I wasn’t alone.

And my god, I wasn’t.  And you aren’t either. We never were.

The transcommuity is filled with as many ways to identify as there are types of shoes.  Whether we identify as a drag queen or a crossdresser or gender fluid, there are many ways we can label ourselves.  Not that we need to or should label ourselves, but I think there are many of us who are comforted that there is a word out there for who we are.

Sometimes I go back and forth between wondering if I am trans because I wear panties and lipstick or if I wear eyeliner and dresses because I am trans.  I will never know.  Chicken or the egg.  I am sure there is an answer but I am way too much to think about and do to spend time settling on an answer.

Regardless, I am in love with clothes.  I can look at an outfit and think about how much it would be to wear it.  It could be a wedding dress or a pleated skirt, I love it all.  I love costumes, I love little black dresses, I love evening gowns and sundresses.  I love silk and I love leather.

We know the power of clothes better than anyone.  We know the emotional attachment and the magnetic draw to an outfit more than most.  A dress, mascara, a corset can, and does, represent a connection and a link to ourselves, our true selves, our other selves in a way that is unimaginable and indescribable.

We can’t change who we are.  We shouldn’t.
We can’t express with words who we are.  But our clothes can.

Although this can change over the course of a lifetime or throughout a weekend it’s always fun to think about who we are.

Who are you?  A bombshell?  A princess?  The girl next door?

Love, Hannah

 

 

 

Friday Morning Shopping

by Hannah

I don’t know about you, but I am bouncing back and forth between being financially responsible and… well, doing a lot of online shopping.  These days buying a cute dress helps me stay connected to my femme side (and having something to look forward to wearing).

I try to be good, but I’ll admit that the Pink Fog hits me a lot lately.

There’s no question that many businesses are adapting and likely worrying about how the pandemic will affect them.  There aren’t enough resources for girls like us, and when we find a designer or a company that caters our community and supports us, it’s important we support them.

Girls like us are always looking for businesses that are friendly to us, and if we want more businesses to welcome us, then we must support those that already do.

Many companies are offering special sales and discounts during these times, and if you are able, please support these businesses.

I have a few things on order that I am excited to get such as the Blossom lingerie collection from HommeMystere...

 

…the Floral Print Lace Teddy from The Breast Form Store…

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…and the Luxurious Leather Look Dress and the 4 Inch Sexy Pump with Padlock heels from En Femme.

What’s in your shopping cart or on your wish list?

Love, Hannah

Super T-Girl!

by Hannah

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Last fall the MN T-Girls held our first ever Halloween party.  It took forever to decide on a costume, but ultimately I went with Supergirl.  I thought about Wonder Woman but… well, maybe this year.

When our group did our annual photo shoot, I thought it’d be fun to wear the costume for some professional pictures.  I never posted them, but thought it’d be fun to post one today.

This was a lot of fun, and I would love to do something like this again, but with a higher quality costume instead of something from a Halloween store.

Love, Hannah

 

All We Have Is Who We Are

by Hannah

This is all going to sound a little fatalistic and dark, but I assure you, it is coming from the most enlightened part of my heart.

With shelter-in-place orders all throughout the world, we see our routines, our days, and our lives change.  Things we took for granted, such as a completely stocked grocery store, are gone.  Our favorite restaurants are only doing take-out, movies we looked forward to have been rescheduled, and countless other little things (and big things) have changed.

As a t-girl, I am used to being a little on guard when I go out, but this is a new level of fear and cautiousness.  If someone coughs at the store our thoughts and fears jump to thinking they have COVID-19.  We think twice before putting our hands on a shopping cart.

Many aspects of our lives are on indefinite hold.  It used to be easier to look forward to the next time we could hit the town en femme because we knew when that day was coming, whether it was that afternoon or next Saturday night.  But these days it’s a lot more up in the air as to when we can paint the town red.  Or pink, in our case.

Most days I find myself daydreaming what Hannah will do once things get less scary.  I want to do photo shoots, see the MN T-Girls, go shopping, and a million other things.  But I also think about the things that I didn’t do, or make time for before all of this happened.

Here’s where it gets dark, I suppose.

The last thing anyone wants to do is look back on their life with any regret.  I do not want to be on my deathbed and think about all the things I wanted to do, but didn’t.  Either because I didn’t make time for it or because I was afraid to do so.  There are things I wish I said (or didn’t say) to people I have known, and I would have made things right if I had known it was the last time I would ever see them.  We think we have time to do all the things we want to do, or the things we should do.

But life, of course, has other plans.  Time doesn’t really care what we want to do.  We are not going to be given more days or more opportunities to do the things we want to do that we keep putting off.  And of course, none of us know how much time we have.

Today we all get the same 24 hours.  What will we do with it?  There are things I must do, things I want to do, and things that I would like to do.  I have plans.  A to-do list.  But at the end of the day (literally, in this case), I will be in bed, about to fall asleep, as I look back on the day.  What went well?  What didn’t?  What didn’t I get to do that I had planned to do, or wanted to do?  What will I hope to make time for tomorrow?

Laying in bed at the end of the day, when all the screens are off, when the world is quiet, is when we realize that despite everything happening outside, that is the moment when we remember that our world is completely rooted in who we are.  All we have at the end of the day is ourselves and what we do and who we are.

The world isn’t an uncaring place (for the most part), but the world doesn’t care about what we want or what we want to do.  The world expects us to do these things for ourselves.  We are not going to be given more time to do what we want.  We either do it or we don’t.  Sure, your boss may give you one more day to finish your quarterly report but the world isn’t going to give you another week to do the things you keep putting off.

CaptureI went to Target last week to get some essentials (I promise) and I walked by the dress display (of course I did) and I saw a really cute dress.  It’s not uncommon for me to look at a dress or an outfit and fall in love with it and decide that I could never wear it, for a variety of reasons.

This dress in particular had thin spaghetti straps and a plunging neckline.  I usually avoid dresses with thin straps like this as they show more of my shoulders than I would like.  I have pretty broad shoulders and I think I look very… male in dresses like this.

As I picked up a few groceries I thought about the dress (of course I did) and I wished I had the body for a dress like it.  And then I realized it’s not about my body, it’s about my thinking.  There’s no reason I can’t wear this.  I don’t care what anyone thinks about how I look, and if I feel and look amazing in it, that’s all that matters.  If a dress fits, you can wear it.

My thoughts drifted into the days before this pandemic.  I thought about the things I had planned before those plans needed to be put on hold.  I thought about the things I wanted to do.  I realized that I was looking back on those days with a little regret that I didn’t do them.

I don’t want to hold myself back.  If there’s something I want to do, if there is something I want to wear, then I need to do it.  Who knows how much time we have?  Who knows when something like this happens again?  I don’t want to look back on the day, a lifetime, and wish I had done something.  I can do it now.

Well, not NOW, but you know what I mean.

I bought the dress.

And you should too.  But maybe it’s not this dress, it might be another dress, it might be that makeover you’ve been dreaming about, the stilettos that you can’t stop thinking of, the conversations you want to have.

No matter what happens in 24 hours, at the end of the day all we have is who we are.  We have our dreams, our fears, our deepest desires.

I have these things too.  But now I have these things, plus a leopard print dress.

Love, Hannah