I don’t want to wait anymore
I’m tired of looking for answers
Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter
I don’t know if I’m scared of dying
But I’m scared of living too fast, too slow
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I’ve got to go
There’s no starting over
No new beginnings time races on
And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on
Gotta keep on going
Looking straight out on the road
Can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you
Or what’s coming for you further up the road
I try not to hold on to what is gone
I try to do right what is wrong
…Something good comes with the bad
A song’s never just sad
There’s hope, there’s a silver lining
Show me my silver lining
Show me my silver lining
-First Aid Kit
I am not overly optimistic. I try not to be pessimistic but it’s been hard lately. It feels like a lot of bad things are inevitable and I know this is a very negative attitude but I really feel powerless. I know I can’t change anyone’s opinion about girls like us and I certainly can’t stop those in power from doing what they’re going to do.
This is not to say that one person can’t make a difference or shouldn’t try. There are people in the trans community who are fantastic leaders, those who can bring people together to be a greater, unified voice. I admire and I am grateful for people like that. I wish I could do that.
I think my influence, if I have any, is on a quieter, more… one-on-one level. I am not going to be able to organize an enormous rally on the steps of the state capital, but I can hopefully connect to someone like myself and perhaps give them the confidence and the perspective they’re looking for to step out of the house en femme for the first time.
And I think there’s value in that. A huge demonstration may change the law that gives the transgender community equal rights, but all the rights and deserved freedoms imaginable sometimes isn’t enough to give a girl like me the courage to present as their own gender.
I suppose I want to lead or influence by example? If I can find the courage to go out en femme, you can find it too. If I am not too tall to be femme, you aren’t either. If I don’t care about passing, why should you?
This feeling of inevitable defeat has been dragging me down and stripping me of hope and optimism. So, what’s left?
Well, just myself. I mean, that’s all one has, right?
We have one life and a finite amount of time to do what we wish and live our years how we feel.
If I am going down, I am going down fighting.
And my fight isn’t against the world, mind you. I am not taking on ANYONE. No, what I mean is that if there was ever a time to do what I want, it’s NOW.
Yes, the world is hard and getting harder, and today my perspective is that if my life is an amusement park that could close at any moment, I had better go on as many rides as I can.
This is the silver lining of feeling that I am being backed into a corner. That the Sword of Damocles looms above me, above anyone who is non-binary.
So, what does this mean? Well, I don’t know exactly. Probably just MORE of what I like to do. More photo shoots, hopefully more modeling, grabbing on and following through when I am feeling ambitious or inspired.
I am feeling excited but I just wish this excitement wasn’t coming from a dark, pessimistic place.