I don’t want to wait anymore
I’m tired of looking for answers
Take me some place where there’s music and there’s laughter
I don’t know if I’m scared of dying
But I’m scared of living too fast, too slow
Regret, remorse, hold on, oh no I’ve got to go
There’s no starting over
No new beginnings time races on
And you’ve just gotta keep on keeping on
Gotta keep on going
Looking straight out on the road
Can’t worry ’bout what’s behind you
Or what’s coming for you further up the road
I try not to hold on to what is gone
I try to do right what is wrong
…Something good comes with the bad
A song’s never just sad
There’s hope, there’s a silver lining
Show me my silver lining
Show me my silver lining
-First Aid Kit
I am not overly optimistic. I try not to be pessimistic but it’s been hard lately. It feels like a lot of bad things are inevitable and I know this is a very negative attitude but I really feel powerless. I know I can’t change anyone’s opinion about girls like us and I certainly can’t stop those in power from doing what they’re going to do.
This is not to say that one person can’t make a difference or shouldn’t try. There are people in the trans community who are fantastic leaders, those who can bring people together to be a greater, unified voice. I admire and I am grateful for people like that. I wish I could do that.
I think my influence, if I have any, is on a quieter, more… one-on-one level. I am not going to be able to organize an enormous rally on the steps of the state capital, but I can hopefully connect to someone like myself and perhaps give them the confidence and the perspective they’re looking for to step out of the house en femme for the first time.
And I think there’s value in that. A huge demonstration may change the law that gives the transgender community equal rights, but all the rights and deserved freedoms imaginable sometimes isn’t enough to give a girl like me the courage to present as their own gender.
I suppose I want to lead or influence by example? If I can find the courage to go out en femme, you can find it too. If I am not too tall to be femme, you aren’t either. If I don’t care about passing, why should you?
This feeling of inevitable defeat has been dragging me down and stripping me of hope and optimism. So, what’s left?
Well, just myself. I mean, that’s all one has, right?
We have one life and a finite amount of time to do what we wish and live our years how we feel.
If I am going down, I am going down fighting.
And my fight isn’t against the world, mind you. I am not taking on ANYONE. No, what I mean is that if there was ever a time to do what I want, it’s NOW.
Yes, the world is hard and getting harder, and today my perspective is that if my life is an amusement park that could close at any moment, I had better go on as many rides as I can.
This is the silver lining of feeling that I am being backed into a corner. That the Sword of Damocles looms above me, above anyone who is non-binary.
So, what does this mean? Well, I don’t know exactly. Probably just MORE of what I like to do. More photo shoots, hopefully more modeling, grabbing on and following through when I am feeling ambitious or inspired.
I am feeling excited but I just wish this excitement wasn’t coming from a dark, pessimistic place.
8 thoughts on “Silver Lining”
Ms Hannah, I love your blog, and fortunately for me, was able to follow it back in late 2020 and early 2021 when I was coming out as a transgender woman. Unfortunately my iPhone has taken charge over what sites are “safe,” and which I must be blocked from as unsafe. Today, it blocked me from seeing your post “Silver Lining,” but it finally suggested I go there in what was called “a cognito mode.” Though it did not allow me to actually interact by posting a response as I always did. This was not meant to be a gripe, but to let you know that you have more followers than what your site can observe. With much appreciation and love, Cindy
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I really think you are being, not only pessimistic, but paranoid…except for protecting children from perverted sexual pictures, people, articles, etc in our schools, bars, etc., nobody is chasing us cross dressers! Nobody is proposing or going to propose we cannot do this and that. In fact, as someone on TV pointed out the other day, Pride people have their rights and are doing just fine.
Hmmmm? I like transgender Cross dressing do u like it
Come on out to San Diego Hannah, like the song said about San Francisco “You will find some gentle people there”. We will always be safe, comfortable and accepted here, and the community treats each other with kindness, open mindedness and warm acceptance of who you are. Our Mayor of the entire City. is even a member of the LGBTQ+ community. We even have our own pride community here called Hillcrest, where the pride flag is proudly flown on University Avenue every day. I checked into the local medical facility a while back and they had half a page of gender related questions in the forms, it is a state run facility and they care about the pride family. Love, Stepheny.
I feel the same as you. A creeping sense of dread. Rights that have been won can be taken away. But please know that you do inspire. I’ve only been dressing seriously for about a year, and I suspect that I’m about 10 years older than you. I’ve lost alot of time being too worried about what others would think. You and other bloggers like you give me the courage to venture out enfemme. And, if the public sees us and interacts with us, maybe they will realize that we are not monsters. Like you I believe that life is too short to not do the things that make you happy.
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I do like to think that each time I venture out in public there is a chance that someone will be influenced in a positive way, my expectations are low. I simultaneously fear backlash of intolerance reflected in both legislation and attitudes. And as a late bloomer, I just feel time slipping away. There are outfits I may never get to wear, places I won’t be able to go as a transwoma, simply because the clock has run out.