I’m Your Hell, I’m Your Dream

I’m a bitch
I’m a lover
I’m a child
I’m a mother
I’m a sinner
I’m a saint
And I do not feel ashamed
I’m your hell
I’m your dream
I’m nothing in between

-Meredith Brooks

I am not used to not doing anything.

I also don’t like not being able to do what I want, lol.

Despite my boss’ penchant for… well, being himself, I like my job. I get a lot of satisfaction about what I do and I really don’t mind working for a couple of hours on a Sunday if it makes Monday a little easier. I have the type of job where the work will continue to pile up if I take a day off and spending a little time on the weekend taking care of emails makes the upcoming week a lot more manageable. I tend to feel easily overwhelmed so I will happily work a bit on the weekend to make the rest of the week a tiny bit less chaotic.

But we recently had a holiday weekend and my boss made it very clear no one was to work. At all. So, I didn’t. As I mentioned my boss can be unreasonable at times and tends to contradict himself but completely, um, defying his request is a really good way to piss him off.

And for good reason. I mean, he is still my boss, after all. Doing something that is the opposite of his very direct communication is not smart.

That being said, doing any work over the long weekend was completely off the table. Instead, I watched my email inbox grow to a size that I haven’t seen before.

If I am feeling restless I can go for a walk but even that wasn’t an option this past weekend as we have been experiencing subzero temperatures for almost a week and it was dangerous to be outside.

What kind of state do I live in where the weather is trying to kill me??

Simply put, I was bored.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a lovely holiday. Amazing food, time with my family, and a little rest. Rest, and a lot of restlessness.

I LIKE being productive. I like DOING things.

So out of sheer boredom I started to reply to the many messages my Twitter followers have sent over the last um, few months.

I’ve been neglecting that.

Despite the amount of messages in my inbox, it didn’t take long to respond to them as most of them simply said “hi”. I wasn’t trying to be a bitch or anything but I responded with another “hi”. I matched the energy and effort that was put into the message.

I mean, how else should I respond? Again, not trying to be rude but I didn’t really know what else to say.

So, “hi”.

Some people messaged back with “want to hang out?” And no, I don’t. For one, I am married. Two, I am not looking to hook up. And three, you likely live a million miles away. How are we supposed to hang out?

Again, not actively trying to be a bitch but???

Some messages were a LITTLE longer.

Some dude: “How are you?”

Me: “Very well, thank you!”

Some dude: “ok.”

Aaaand scene.

Some people were very clear and specific as to what they were hoping would manifest from their message. And these got ignored and blocked (if they sent a photo of, well, YOU KNOW).

I got called a bitch in a few replies because I didn’t want to sleep with them. Again, I am married and not looking for any sort of… anything at all, and I’m sure these guys likely lived several states away. Were they planning on visiting me?? Do people really do that? Take a trip just to rail someone? I mean, I suppose they do but… really? People do that?

Those interactions usually went like this:

Some dude: I would luv to meet you

Me: No, thank you

Some dude: Your a bitch

Aaaand scene.

I was VERY tempted to reply with *you’re but it wasn’t worth the effort.

It’s interesting, I suppose, to find out how other people…. hm, interpret me? Is that the right term? What I mean is that I can post a photo like this:

…and it generates messages and comments along the lines of “I want to serve you, Mistress”.

If I post a photo that is literally the complete opposite such as this:

…the comments are usually along the lines of “I want to make you my sissy bitch”.

And lingerie pictures “inspire” different responses altogether.

I mean… I get it. Or rather I know what to expect. I know what will likely happen when I post certain photos.

A picture can often shape how someone thinks of me or what they think I am or want. Some people think I am a domme, some think I am someone looking for sex, some people think I am submissive.

I am none of these things.

But again, I get it. I understand that some pictures, as the cliché goes, speak a thousand words.

Although I can understand that some people may get… influenced by a picture as to what the person in it may be… ah, communicating, I suppose my hope is that someone does a little more scrolling before they write an email. I hope they do their research, I guess? I mean, if I was wearing a black leather dress in EVERY photo I post, well, that probably means that I am a girl who only wears black leather dresses. But I think my wardrobe is about as random as it gets.

When I get an IM from someone I will usually scroll through their tweets to see what kind of things they write about and the types of photos they post before I reply to them. If their timeline is filled with, well, photos of people naked, my guess is that they are very likely interested in sex.

Am I always right? Of course not, but I feel it’s probably safe to make this assumption.

If someone follows a lot of, well, sissies, it’s usually not a mystery why they responded to certain photos of mine.

Maybe I’m wrong but I like to think that I have a lot of, hm, variety of what I blog and tweet about. One day I’ll write about legislation, the next I’ll write about how essential a gaff is. One day I’ll tweet a photo of a dress I would wear to church, the next day’s picture is very much of a Saturday night outfit… if you know what I mean.

If I get a message that more of less is fixated on ONE thing I get a little… defensive? No, not quite. I am motivated to clarify who I am or who I am not, perhaps.

For example, if someone comments on a picture of me in a tight leather dress and they talk about wanting to lick my boots or serving me, I think to myself “…but I am not that kind of girl”. I’m a good girl. A good girl that has a whip and thigh high boots but still, a good girl.

Of course, the opposite happens, too. If someone says I look so very sweet in a girly pink dress I think to myself that I am not as innocent as I look.

I am who I am and while none of who I am is “playing dress up” I sure love playing dress up. I love different looks, I love CLOTHES, I love what an outfit can communicate.

I love the contrast between what I am wearing and what I am thinking. If I am modeling lingerie I am not thinking about SEX. I am thinking that I am cold and hoping my adam’s apple isn’t toooo prominent and wondering what to have for dinner.

I guess I don’t like being boxed in. I don’t like being misunderstood. I don’t want people to think Hannah McKnight is a sissy or a dominatrix or horny. I’m none of those things.

It’s not unlike the line “I’m not a doctor, but I play one on TV.”

Or, “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way.”

And YES, I know, when you post ANYTHING online people are going to react to it however they please. I know I am opening myself up to a myriad of comments. I know this. And I know it’s not going to stop.

The point to all of this is that although I don’t really care what people think of me, I am always curious to know.

Love, Hannah

2 thoughts on “I’m Your Hell, I’m Your Dream

  1. Enjoyed your comment “I don’t care what people think of me. I just want to know”. Had to chuckle over that one. The creativity you display in your photos is remarkable. Your one of a kind.

    Like

  2. Oddly, when I read your post title, I heard it in my head sung by James Hetfield. 😉 Pretty sure that’s never happened!

    FWIW, once you post anything online, I think you have to make peace that folk will react as they want. In some ways, it’s sort of not yours anymore; even if you’re in the photo, tweet, toot, etc.

    Like

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